As I mentioned, it was walking down the streets of Boston that I first discovered what felt like true joy. This is not to say I had not been happy in the past, but this new found joy came with a clarity and maturity unlike prior. Being in my mid twenties, single, and alone in a new city far from home allowed me to see more clearly the life I live and discover an inner peace. I loved the ability to create a new life full of that which feeds my soul, outside of any expectations or previous opinions placed upon me. It was freeing, exhilarating, pure. I remember the first time my dad visited, we were walking to the T when he asked, what do you do with all your time off here when you’re not working? I remember telling him, not always a whole lot, I would spend my mornings journaling and reading, then often wander the city, exploring new places, exercise then call it a day. It was a simple life, but a happy life. Without the expectation back home of what I “should” be doing or feeling pressured to be on the go all the time, I had the ability to slow down, and discover that which actually brought me joy. Turns out, it doesn’t take much.
Fast forward, two cross country moves later I have chosen to call Boston my permanent home for at least the time being. There was something here that called to me and continues to call me to which I simply can’t say goodbye. However, as the days, months and years pass, the underlying feelings of hope and longing I felt in my previous home remain the same deep down. As the excitement of a new city becomes more mundane, the familiar voices from within have found more room to speak up. While most days, I am still in awe of this city I have the opportunity to live in, there are days where something just doesn’t feel quite right. When I get still, it’s this. I want to love, be loved, and belong. I want to know others around me, and be known. Not just as the fun loving girl who can throw back a drink and crack a joke to make the room light, but truly, deeply known. On days like this where I am alone doing what I love which is also that which brought me here, the simplicity of a slow morning with coffee and a book in a city I lie, and all too familiar feeling of loneliness remains. It’s an understanding that often joy comes when it is shared with others, and I so long to share my joy on a more personal level.
I don’t know where I am headed, or if I will ever find someone who meets my soul where it’s at. And sometimes, that’s scary as hell. But as with all things life, I have come to know that sometimes it’s just like that. I don’t get to know, but only through embracing the good and the bad might I ever get there. Sometimes, I don’t even know if what I long for is reality of fantasy, but what I do know is that with each day I seek to know and love myself better so that I can know and love others more fully. More authentically, more deeply. It’s so easy to get caught up in our world today by the picturesque life so many put out there online, and I constantly have to remove and remind myself that I can’t believe all that I see. That when comparison because my default, I am always left feelings short. And when I instead go offline and get out in the real world, I begin to again feel more real, and closer to the truth. I may have lived in two worlds, and have two lives in my two different homes, but my one wish remains the same. And I think it always will.
xo
JujuB