The past few weeks I have not felt myself, or rather the myself I like to think or me as. I have felt down, disconnected, lonely. And then it hit me one day that I have actually been quite a bit lonelier since coming “out” of the pandemic than I was during this entire past year while the world was shut down. I felt more connected while I was living alone and not seeing anyone, than I am now that the world seems to have opened up again.
As I turned in and recognized this revelation, I began talking about it more with those around me. What I heard were many similar stories reflected back to me. People are feeling lonely, disconnected, down; people are confused and lost. It got me thinking that clearly my feelings are not a one off, and it is not happen stance that so many people around me are feeling this way. It’s related to what we endured this past year, and I think there are a lot of factors playing into it. But what I think hurts the most, is the feeling that society and those around us are encouraging us to move right along as if nothing ever happened. Bars are packed, sports stadiums are full, masks are sparse and covid is not something that comes up in conversation anyone. While yes, I am happy to not have this be the topic of conversation (as it was nearly the only topic of conversation for so long,) I can’t help but feel gaslit by society which is encouraging us to go about our lives as they were prior to the development of COVID-19, as if nothing has happened. We were warned about this, and yet here we are. As I walk down the street looking at all the tourists about, people gathered around tables in packed restaurants and bars, I can’t help but think, “am I the only one who has felt deeply changed by this past year?” I have tried to go back to “normal,” but instead of feeling free, I feel lost.
As I talked with a friend, she conveyed how a friend of hers described it as going to sleep and waking up the next day on the wrong side of the bed; but suddenly you are a year older, and have missed so much. Holidays, birthdays, milestones, markers of growth and maturity. Moments anticipated and experiences lost, all gone in a flash. No way to go back and relive those times you had looked forward to, as if there is a chapter unfinished. Time you can’t get back, a year that was lost. Now trying to figure out where we pick up, and what to do with the unfinished business of a year of our life not lived as we once envisioned and planned. And for those of us who survived off meaning making and believing we would grow as a society, as a culture, and as a country from what we learned amidst this tragedy, it appears that society is urging us to return right back to where we once were. No meaning or growth to be had, losing any sense made out of such a tragic year.
We are not talking about what happened this past year, what we saw, what we felt, what we experienced while enduring unprecedented times that may be one the most significant things that happen to us in our lifetime. A world wide event, touching every person across the globe, and yet instead of using this experience to learn and connect, it seems we are more disconnected and broken that ever. We have brushed aside all the feelings in order to get back to the way things were. We have been asked to move right along.
But here’s the thing, if you are like me you can’t just move right along. The more you try the more disconnected you feel. You find yourself in a bar looking at all the people, only to have a flash of mass graves dug off the coast of NYC. You talk to a friend about the latest shows and their travel plans, only to wonder if they too are thinking about the days upon days you spent alone in a house, wondering if you would ever be allowed to travel again. You sit in a stadium and wonder how many people are not there having lost their lives to Covid-19. You speak to friends about how nice it is to be out again, but wonder if they too feel the weight of knowing hospitals are full of children and adults in mental health crises after the fallout of this past year. You wonder all these things, except we are not talking about it, and it’s isolating.
We are trying to connect, but missing the real connection that comes from acknowledging the truth of what has happened. There is no way we went through this past year and came out unscathed. But society is trying to get us to act just that way. Move right along, nothing to see here. Except there is.