Another evening, another tragic story. A dinner with friend turned sour. I had just texted my cousin confirming my feeling of constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I explained how I am trying to choose hope and take account of all the good happening. Only to go next door to have dinner with a friend, to learn of a mutual acquaintance whom was just diagnosed with a terminal diagnosis. I can’t help but shake this feeling that life is just a ticking bomb for us all. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. It’s hard to picture a future with a partner and children, something I think about often, when I can hardly believe tomorrow will come. The tragedy that has evolved over the past two years is still hard to grasp. Life is so precious.
And yet, we can’t live like that. At least not entirely. It would not be fair to ourselves or those bearing unimaginable news to stop living. What we can do is love big, and love hard, for whatever time we are given. That’s all we get, that’s all we know. Today, and tomorrow morning. May we all love as long as we know how. Once you know this reality, its not something you can turn away from. No matter how much you wish you may be ignorant to some of this pain, you cannot unsee things you have seen.
When I decided I wanted to be an oncology nurse over 15 years ago now, I was met with so much doubt. Do you think you can handle that? Won’t that just be so sad? Why would you want to do that? Are you sure? These are the responses I got. I had to rely on my own inner voice to know that this was my calling and this was my journey. Nobody else was going to tell me to keep going on this, because on the outside it is so sad. On the inside it’s sad too. But the thing is, there is so much value in knowing and seeing these stories. In walking alongside tragedy. While I wish I could take away the pain and heart break of far too many, this is a sad and despised part of life. Tragedy will happen, cancer will come, life is short. But turning away does nothing. Turning away from the sun doesn’t make the warmth go away. Turning away from the tragedy doesn’t make it hurt any less. What we can do, is walk with those facing these big battles, showing up and letting them know we will keep living fully. For ourselves but also for them. Because as the beloved Brené Brown once taught me, when we honor our life, it shows that we know the depth of what others have lost. When we live fully, we are showing those fighting for their own life that we recognize how precious life is. We see that it is a gift.
I wish I wasn’t continually met with tragedy and grief, not just in my line of work but in my personal life as well. As another shoe drops, I can’t help but wonder if this is just the new norm. Another cancer diagnosis of a friend, another war breaking out, another worldwide pandemic, another tragic loss of a friend. It’s so easy to feel defeated, to want to give up. But that does not honor those fighting these battles, living does. And so I will live, harder than before, with more love, and more joy, for as long as I’m giving to live. It’s the only way I know how, the only way to keep moving forward.