It’s a big world out there, so much to see and so much to do, but what if you live life on the inside? What does the world look like from the inside out?
Most of my life has been spent on the outside, as a child playing in the backyard, venturing in the woods, soaking in the sunshine with soft green grass or beach sand underfoot. Hours upon hours spent on the soccer field, learning lessons from the game that dominated by childhood. It was not until I was a young adult that I began to spend more time on the inside.
After graduating college, I discovered a part of me I had never known too well, a spirit plagued by anxiety. This person was new to me, but the deeper I looked inside I discovered she had been there all along. I had simply never spent much time on the inside to understand the little girl that was asking for attention all along. Inside, my spirit yearned to feel loved and understood, while seeking the big dreams that coursed through my veins. It took me years to understand this little girl who had become such a stranger to me, years of reflection, seeking support, trying new things and testings new waters. However, after all that time, I learned I rather liked the inside. I like knowing what makes me who I am, and consciously bringing the true me to the outside world. The inside has only brightened the outside world, making all things more vivid and bright, more full of life.
From the time I was fourteen I wanted to work as a pediatric oncology nurse, and I was lucky enough to achieve this dream shortly after college. It was there, on the oncology unit that I yet again discovered a life on the inside. A life ravaged by cancer within the hospital walls, but more importantly a life of joy and simplicity and grace. These kids are some of the strongest I know, the battles fought inside those walls are worth every award in the book. I have been working in pediatric oncology now for 6 years, and while my workplace, my coworkers, my patients may have changed, several things have not. Living life inside those walls is always cherished, it is filled with love and understanding, courage and grace. Inside those walls there is safety, and comfort, and hope. No matter what proceeds my days leading into work, and no matter how tired or frustrated I may be at the end of the day, the inside always brings me peace. It leaves me grateful for the life I have been given, for the two feet that hold me upright and so much more. I rather like living life on the inside twelve hours at a time, and have learned more from those living on the inside than anyone else. Again, the inside had so much more to give me than I ever could have known.
We are now coming up on a year since the worldwide pandemic has stopped our life as we knew it, and again, I find myself living on the inside. Inside the walls of my home, embracing a new type of normal. The inside can be lonely at times, but it’s essential during this moment in history. We must stay inside, inside our homes, inside our cities, inside our social circles. We must take care inside our hearts and minds to stay safe and sane during these unprecedented times. We may be eager to get living on the outside again, because sometimes the inside is hard. Living on the inside is often harder than filling our time with outside endeavors, but living on the inside has brought more strength and joy than anything else. It has opened my eyes to new worlds, new people, new homes within my soul. I have rather enjoyed my time living on the inside, and while the world often feels scary and overwhelming right now, living on the inside isn’t always bad. Perhaps you may even embrace living on the inside as I have, for it you do, you just might discover a whole new world holding more than you ever could have imagined. For these days are not wasted, if only we have the courage to be still and look within.