You want to know the truth? I miss home. I miss the feeling of having family close by, of being part of a bigger unit, of having friends who know me, and love me, within a feasible distance. I miss being a part of something bigger, something that holds a vision of the future. Because to be honest, at times the future seems bleak. When I think to years ahead, I see days alone on the East coast, the occasional day with a friend but most days spent alone. I see loads of plane trips trying to fulfill the hole in my heart that has been left from being far from home (people home), and missing out on the loves of my life getting older. My nephews, my niece, my unborn best friends children whose I already know inside my heart and love. I cannot fathom being so far away for these big moments. I have already missed so much.
And yet, I cannot deny the home I have found here in Boston. The home within myself, the joy and purity of a life that is free of constraint and expectation. A life that has been created upon a foundation of truth and freedom, authenticity and joy. I have found my voice, my strength, my self. I have discovered a love for this brick laden city with scorching summer days and freezing snowy winters. I find solace in the sirens and blue skies, the city greenery and river that shimmers on a sunny summer day. I find freedom, and joy, in knowing that this life is me. This life here, is mine, and mine alone. I have found purpose in my job, joy in my home, stillness amidst the chaos. I don’t know how I could ever leave this place.
These mixed message, they are the one thing that remains true. The ups and downs and in betweens of this twisting journey I have found myself on. All the above is true, and yet with each day I must remind myself to come back to the present. The more I am in the here and now the less I see the visions of a future alone. When I am in the now, I cannot deny the joy this city has brought me, and I find hope within me to know I will always hold those I love close to my heart, even if miles apart. I believe in a future that is not characterized by scarcity or loneliness, but connection and love. I trust that in distance I can draw a line between my heart and those I love that can never be broken no matter where where I am in the world. I choose to believe that I can create my own reality, and my own future. And on days like above, where the futures seems scary, leaving room for the unknown is the only way how.