It’s 8:30, but my day is ending, another day spent over 24 hrs. One that happens at least once a week or once a month. This is my life, my life as a nurse.
Last week, I rotated back to graveyards after 9 days of vacation to start the new year. Nine days of peace, grounding, and focus. I was hopeful and calm moving into the new year, and then it came time to return to work. I started back on the overnight shift, one I had not been on for about a month, and the weekend rocked me. This shifts flip me upside down and shake my emotions all up, as if I am a snow globe. The snow my emotions, and me in the center, and with time the snow will settle. But until then, I must let all the emotions spin around me, a reminder of where I come from and what has shaped me.
Within a week, the dust settled, and I again feel my two feet beneath me. As I walk into work I once again see what is in front of me, innocent children fighting for their lives surrounding my parents who would give anything to be in their place. I am reminded that this is why it’s worth it, this is what keeps me showing up.
The brave girl with long red wavy hair, scared but putting on a brave face. Uncertain about what’s to come or what’s happening to her body, scared to move too quickly but trusting enough to work with me as I position her ever so slightly in hopes of easing her discomfort. Parents, timid eyes and fearful souls peering out at me, asking me to please tell them it will be okay. If only I could. Until then I will offer a gentle smile and as much explanation I can. Easing any fear in the moment of what I am doing, leaving the anxiety to grapple with the only true unknowns. Down the hall, another young warrior enduring pain and nausea and the fear of the medications we are providing to ease her discomfort. I reassure her anxieties, with a soft touch and an eye level smile, I explain, I simplify, I reassure. Not once, not twice, three times, over and over again. Anything to assure her she is safe and I will not let anything within my power happen to her from this particular medication. Many things are out of my control, but this one is not, and I will protect this certainty, this patient, will all I have.
This is what it means to be a nurse, to protect, to advocate, to educate, to comfort. By 1am, I am drained, my legs are heavy, my mind is tired, and yet I have 6 hours to go. I grab some food and a coffee while I can, before I embark on the second half of my day. The days are long, they push you to your limit, and sometimes, they leave you with nothing left. But this is what it means to be a nurse, to give it your all, leave it all on the line, show up with all you have, with all you are. There was never any other way for me but all in, I have and always will be, all in.
So here I am, 8:30am, back in bed and ready for sleep. Knowing in just 10 hours I will be back where I began. Rinse, repeat. Recover, and believe. Believe in the purpose of your work, the will of your soul, the strength of your spirit. Believe in the path you are on, the patients for whom you care, the soul you have been given. Know that you are capable of enduring the good days, the bad days, and all the in-betweens, for life grows in the moments that make us stretch. There is room for it all, and in these moments, learning to embrace the in between, this is what life is all about.