“I get worried about you when the weight of the world starts getting heavy.” Words from a dear friend recently after a few texts about how another new year has begun with yet another covid surge. My initial reaction? Ugh, so annoying. Why are you trying to parent me? My next reaction? I’m fine! You don’t need to worry about me.
I didn’t reply for awhile, and with each passing day my perspective shifted. Why was I rubbed the wrong way about this comment? Why did I feel the need to reject the fact that I am in fact a sensitive feeling girl in this messy world? The thing is, my friend is not wrong. The world does get me down (doesn’t it for all of us?). And yes, I do feel things more deeply than others I know. But why does this have to be a bad thing? Why would I reject one of the very things that makes me, well, me? Why would I push away and respond with anger to one of the few friends who truly sees me as I am? And cares to know me so deeply that she understands the way I move through the world?
Our society, our culture, it’s quick to judge those who feel deeply. Being sensitive, having big feelings, being extremely passionate about something, it’s all too often rejected with a label of “too much.” You care too much, you try too hard, you worry too much, you’re too sensitive, you’re too much. This is what society tells us, or at least this is the message I have internalized. Maybe it’s just me, but who is setting these standards?
Who gets to tell us what we feel or how deeply we feel those emotions? Who sets this standard of what is the right way to act or respond or move through the world? I’m calling bullshit.
When I was 14 I decided I wanted to become a pediatric oncology nurse, people were quick to judge with the matter of fact statement of how depressing it would be. For 7 years as I pursued this dream, and I was questioned time and time again with are you sure you want to do that? It will be so sad, they said, it might be too much for you. When I got into the profession and started feeling the sadness that comes along with working with kids battling cancer, I was again told it’s okay if it’s not a good fit. Maybe it’s just too much, are you sure work isn’t getting to you?
My answer? Yes, it is sad. And yes, it does get to me. But I refuse to run away from these messy and sad feelings. These feelings, this is what makes life real, raw, and this is what makes me know true joy in its purest form. I am a feeling girl in a messy world, but I choose to believe that I’m enough as I am, emotions and all. And if you don’t like it, that’s fine, I’m not for everyone.
I have spent far too long pretending to be less than I am, to dull my emotions, to get a harder shell, to be less sensitive. But in doing so, I essentially was trying to be less me, and how messed up is that? As a new favorite influencer Elyse Meyers (highly recommend you watch her stuff) taught me recently, “Go find less.”
If I’m too much for you, go find less. There are plenty of women who show and feel less emotion than I do. Women who are less passionate, less sensitive, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. We all have our strengths, and areas of our lives in which we have more. For me, it’s feelings. And as the sign reads that hung in my grandma’s kitchen my entire childhood and now hangs in my own apartment but is applied to not only supper but all things me: Today’s menu-take it or leave it. This is me, the good, the bad, the ugly, feelings and all. So take it or leave it, and I’ll leave it at that.