Had you asked me a year ago where I would be, I’m not sure I would have told you here. But, I would have told you that I felt change was coming, and that something in me knew I was headed somewhere I hadn’t been before. I suppose this is what years of yearning to know my true self better and listen to my intuition has brought me. And sometimes, it’s still strange to recognize where I am now. When I reflect on the past six months, and the years leading up until now, it’s pretty incredible to see where I have been and where I am now. I will get to this more, but what I want you to know is if you are feeling lost and confused, hear me when I say it’s all a part of it. And here me when I say it won’t always be this way.
I look back and read my journals, which are filled with feelings and fears and valiant efforts to tune into something greater than myself. Days and years spent trying to evaluate the many moments and memories that make me, well me. There were so many times of doubt and uncertainty, and those moments are still present all the time. What has changed is me. I used to get so caught up in the moments, doubting if I was headed in the right decision, and certain that if I made the “wrong choice” I could ruin it all. I was so caught up in doing what is “right,” I was so often missing out on what is real.
There are so many things I don’t know, and so many things I will never know. What I do know, however, is that life is hard. That it will take you unexpected places, and that in these unexpected places I have often found the greatest joy. I have learned that grief and joy coexist, all the time, in big ways and small. That there is not just one path for us, but there is a path that can feel aligned. And alignment doesn’t always feel good. It can feel messy and hard, and it’s in these spaces that I come to know myself over and over again.
I don’t have the answers, but I do know that in meeting myself time and time again I grow a little stronger. That in letting go of the life I thought I was supposed to have, I’m finding that life that finally feels like the one I meant to be living. In these unexpected places, I am finding more joy, more love, more peace. And to me, that’s everything. It’s not easy, but I promise it’s worth it.